Six months into psychotherapy he asked to tell me a secret. “But of course,” I said. He told me that he is a humble elitist. That’s an odd juxtaposition of ideas because they seem contradictory. He told me that no, there is nothing odd about it, and it is so much of his inner turmoil.
He is an extremely bright, creative and sensitive 40-year-old. He knows that he is blessed with artistic insights and skills that propel him above and beyond the average artist. But his upbringing was so emotionally disparaging and mercilessly critical that he hid his fears out of worry that being open would position him for more criticism. The criticism was not from peers but from family, and he couldn’t step out of the rut that the family emotional ties had over him. So he became shy. People thought he was humble. In fact he was scared.
He was scared not only of the criticisms that he had come to expect so much from his family but also that others would exclude him from groups because he was so uniquely talented. He said that he didn’t know how to reveal his talent and be a common man at the same time. Of course this was the focus of much psychotherapy. And of course this involved him trying to figure out who was and where were his real peers..
Whenever he was asked to do something, clearly his talents became evident. But he was usually kept them quiet insofar as how he spoke about them. He didn’t market himself – instead he kept waiting to be found. Advertising himself was too risky. So therein sits his apparent humility. But in his heart and in his head he was an non-cocky elitist because he knew how superior he was. He just didn’t want to be called superior for fear it would evoke denunciations of elitism, which were old manifestation of his family’s criticisms. So he lived in a world of humility on the outside and inside, and he lived in a world of elitism on the inside. Those worlds were not good neighbors. He loved to use his special skills to help people, but would be happy to do it without the overt recognition. Yet in that recognition he would feel better about himself and that would improve his vocational and social life. The notion of elitism was his family’s choice of words, and he carried it in large part from habit and not choice.
His pain is that of the humble elitist. This is a rather good concept.
Filed under: Family Dynamics, Mental Health, Psychotherapy Notes | Tagged: emotional pain. Wisdom., emotions, humility, Mental Health, psychological growth, Psychotherapy Notes | Leave a Comment »
